


Together With You

by heartsopenminds



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Christmas, Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:34:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21874489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsopenminds/pseuds/heartsopenminds
Summary: At a Christmas concert with his and Phil's families, Dan thinks about what everyone being there together means to him, and what it means for his and Phil's relationship.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	Together With You

As the conductor raises his baton and the orchestra launches into a jaunty rendition of “Sleigh Ride”, Dan looks around at the festive sight before him. The Royal Albert Hall is decked out in all its Christmas finery, and the audience are decorated too, in their Christmas jumpers, reindeer antlers and even some with strings of Christmas lights flashing around their necks.

It’d been Phil’s idea to come, a nice way to spend time with his parents on their pre-Christmas visit to London. Dan had agreed it sounded like something Kath and Nigel would enjoy, and even though he grumbled a bit, he had to admit he quite liked the idea too. Even after he’d stopped going to church with his grandma every week, he’d still gone along to the Christmas carol service with her every year, and he still had a soft spot for all the old favourites.

Later that night, cocooned in the dark, he’d tentatively asked Phil what he thought about inviting Dan’s mum and grandma along too. Their relationships, especially between Dan and his mum, had shifted over this last year, and he felt it was a gesture that would really be appreciated by both of them. But there was more to it than just a family day out. What he was really asking Phil was, are we really ready for this? Do you want to take this next step?

They'd had a long history of tense conversations over the years, trying to figure out what they could get away with under the guise of friendship, what people would think or suspect. But things had changed this year, the need for caution and subterfuge was gone, and maybe Dan could start to be a little bit braver; maybe they both could.

Phil had been quiet for a moment, then spoke softly into the back of Dan’s neck. “Yeah, I think that would be good.”

As was his way, Dan had mulled over his decision in the weeks since, considering all the implications and possible outcomes. Even now they’re here, he’s not quite sure what he feels about it all.

His thoughtfulness hasn’t escaped Phil’s notice. “You OK?” he leans over and murmurs into Dan’s ear.

Dan gives him a small but genuine smile. “Yeah. I think I am,” he whispers. He takes Phil’s hand for a moment and squeezes it, reassuring him that he means it and then turns his attention back to the stage. The host of the show is introducing a female singer who appears on the stage in a long silver sequined gown.

“Ooh, isn’t she gorgeous,” Kath says. “I’d love to look that good in a slinky dress.”

“You always look wonderful, darling,” says Nigel, taking his cue.

“Oh, pack it in,” she giggles, swiping at his arm. “What are you after?”

Dan smiles fondly, the teasing between Phil’s parents familiar even if the context isn’t.

He still can’t quite believe they’ve come to this point, being able to sit here with his and Phil’s families and make this kind of public statement of togetherness. It wasn’t just the potential of being seen by fans that was on his mind, but also the newness of being so open with his family.

He and Phil had spent hardly any time with them together since they’d come out and revealed that they’d been more than just friends for all these years. Although they’d all reassured him they were happy for him, so much still felt uncomfortable and nerve-wracking around them. Dan and Phil had had those tentative steps of becoming more and more open around Phil’s family all those years ago, and here he was going through it all over again with his own family. He’d had so many years of hiding parts of himself, of editing who he was when he was with them, it felt strange now to finally be putting all that aside.

“Now, do we have any children in the audience this afternoon?” the host is asking. “Give me a wave, let me see you. OK, now if you could all just stand up for a moment?” There’s a wave of noise as all around them, children get up out of their seats.

“That’s it, brilliant. So we’re going to do Away in a Manger now, and what I’d like is for all the children in the audience to sing the first verse for us. Do you think you can do that?” he asks, and little voices all around the hall shout back in agreement.

“I don’t want to sing!” proclaims the little girl in the box next to them in a loud voice, folding her arms defiantly and glaring crossly at her mum who leans over to whisper a fierce reprimand in her ear.

Dan looks away, stifling a laugh.

“Oh Dan, you would have loved that when you were a boy, any excuse to get up and have an audience!” his grandma says in a fond voice.

Dan can feel himself flushing in embarrassment. “OK, thanks for that reminder of my constant need to be the centre of attention,” he says wryly.

“It was adorable Daniel, you had a lovely little voice.” his grandma says, reaching over and patting him on the knee.

Dan hears Phil give a little snort and he’s grinning at Dan with a glint of mischief in his eyes.

“And he’s still got a lovely voice now – why don’t you stand up and join in, Dan?”

“Shut up,” Dan grumbles, not able to stop a smile creeping onto his face.

His grandma had always been so patient with him as a child, attentively watching the endless performances and shows that he’d put on in her living room, coming along to all of his school productions. It used to be that thinking about those good memories was tainted by less happy ones, like the fact that his parents couldn’t ever give him that same attention, or how as he’d got older and more self-conscious, he’d given up doing the things he enjoyed just to try and fit in.

It feels easier these days to appreciate the good things about his childhood without it feeling like a betrayal of all the difficult times he’d had and everything he’d gone through. Trying to reconcile his warring feelings had been a big part of his journey in therapy, something he’d had to work through patiently before he was ready to really trust his family and open up to them. He’s glad they are at this place now, even if it had taken him longer than he’d ever thought to get here.

He sees his grandma dabbing tears away with a hanky as she listens to the voices of children all around them singing the familiar Christmas song, and something catches in his throat, an emotion he’s not quite able to name. It’s been scary, opening himself up to his family and risking rejection, but every time they’re together he feels more and more reassured that he’s done the right thing.

After the concert ends, he’ll see his mum and grandma into a cab back to Paddington station and then he and Phil will go to dinner with the Lesters. His family had been invited to join them too but his grandma was worried about getting a later train, and Dan hadn’t really tried too hard to persuade them to stay. In spite of all the progress made, there's still some unease on his part, still some uncertainty in knowing who and how to be around his family that makes it hard to really relax. He enjoys the casual ease of being with Phil’s parents, and it would be a shame not to have some time together before they head home tomorrow. 

Dan looks over and sees that the little girl next to them has now slid down off of her chair and is sitting on the floor, engrossed in playing some kind of make-believe game with a doll and a little red teddy bear, and is completely ignoring the concert.

Although he can see that the girl’s mother isn’t very impressed, to his mind the girl isn't naught, just a natural at speaking her mind and doing what makes her happy, things Dan himself is only now giving himself permission to do again after so many years of holding himself back.

He feels a little melancholy at the thought, at how lost he’d been to himself for so long. He thinks about his younger self, wishes he could reassure him that he’s going to go through some tough times, but there is hope and things really do get better.

He’s brought back into the present with a nudge to his side.

“Dan dear, have a mince pie!” Kath whispers, pushing the box towards him.

“Where did these come from?” Dan questions, fishing one out of the packaging. “I thought you weren't allowed to bring in any food?”

“That’s the beauty of an enormous handbag,” Kath beams. “Even if they search it, they never look right down to the bottom.”

Dan snorts and shakes his head at her as she carries on passing them round.

"I don't think I'd have dared," Dan's mum says, "but I'm glad you did!"

Dan looks at everyone tucking happily into their contraband treats and he feels a warmth in his chest that isn't just about Christmas spirit. They really did make the right decision to do this, he can see that now. 

He thinks about family, the disappointments and difficulties of the one he was born into, and the one he’s been able to build for himself along the way. Everything started with the miracle of finding Phil, someone he could love and trust without reservation, and who helped him let go of all his fears that no one would ever truly accept him.

Now here they both are, all this time later, celebrating Christmas with the people who matter to them most and looking forward to the new year to come, full of possibility.


End file.
